I’ve seen a lot of former Christians struggle with how to approach the concept of forgiveness, both in terms of how Hashem forgives us for our misdeeds and how to approach forgiveness between individuals.
The first thing to bear in mind is that we are not required to forgive wrongs. The second is that forgiveness is not the same as pretending the wrong didn’t happen. Thirdly, forgiveness does not negate the need for repentance. Finally, repentance is not just between the wrongdoer and Hashem; it is between the wrongdoer, the one they wronged, AND their community, to the extent that the misdeed harmed the community.
Aharon ben Eliyahu was a 14th century, Byzantine hakham. He wrote extensively on religious law and philosophy and on Torah interpret. He also discussed the opinions of various hakhamim and rabbis at length, including writing a Karaite response to Maimonides’ famous Guide for the Perplexed. I bring him up here, because one of his writings was about the nature of repentence. In it, he outlined repentence as a collection of 12 actions that are required for repentence to be meaningful and complete. I’ve summarized them here. In order to truly repent a misdeed one must:
- Regret the evil deed.
- Abandon it.
- Hate it.
- Submit to repentance with all its conditions.
- Confess the misdeed.
- Comply with the conditions imposed by Torah to accompany repentance.
- Be prompt in repentance
- Renounce the evil deed for the sake of its own vileness.
- Never doing anything like it in the future
- Take on the responsibility never again to do anything like it.
- Do repentance to a degree comparable to the misdeed
- Understand that repentance is a duty, along with all other positive commandments.
Given how all-encompassing these requirements are, I think it’s safe to say that Aharon ben Eliyahu had pretty serious misdeeds in mind. And when applying this concept to interpersonal relationships, I think it’s important to distinguish between a person experiencing a lapse in memory or judgment (a spouse said they would pick up milk at the store and then forgot) and habitual disrespect (a spouse frequently commits to doing things but rarely delivers, because they do not hold the needs of their household or marriage partner in high regard). The first can be apologized for sincerely and forgiven almost in passing (I think that’s sort of covered in step 11). The second will take effort to recognize as a personal fault, to acknowledge its breadth and seriousness, and require focused communication, consideration, and work to rectify.
But what I’d really like for you to notice about these 12 very thorough observations about the nature of repentence is that all of them require action on the part of the person who did the misdeed. The only things required of anyone else, and even that is implicit, not explicit, are to hear the confession and, presumably, hold the repentant person accountable for his actions, including taking note of what steps they have completed and how. Nowhere in those twelve steps is the wrongdoer made to expect forgiveness from the person or persons he wronged.
Indeed, it doesn’t take much study of Torah to figure out that some things are unforgivable. Moreover, whether we forgive or not, Torah forbids us from perverting justice. If someone steals from you, you can choose to forgive them. You can even take into account mitigating circumstances. If, for example, a person who is starving stole some food, especially if the theft did no real harm to the person from whom he stole it, those things can be taken into account in the prosecution of the crime. What we are not permitted to do is pervert justice. Misdeeds must have consequences, regardless of how much we empathize with the person who committed them. When we pervert justice, whether by punishing a misdeed excessively or failing to call a person to account for what they have or have not done, or punishing someone other than or in addition to the wrongdoer we share in their guilt.
When it comes to the Nation’s Covenant with Hashem, we see the same principles at play. The benefits of adhering to the Covenant and the consequences of deviating from it are laid out in the Blessings and Curses of Devarim. Throughout the TaNaKh, the Nation fails to hold up its end of the Covenant and suffers the consequential curses of stepping out from under Hashem’s protection. We can think of these almost as natural consequences. If I warn my child not to touch the hot stove, and they do it anyway, they will get burned as a natural consequence of their disobedience. When Hashem decides that the Nation has suffered enough, becomes angry with the arrogance of whatever nation He used to implement that suffering, and the Nation sufficiently repents, Hashem consistently forgives them their misdeeds. Forgiveness in scripture is never presented as the absence of consequence, but as the decision to continue the relationship after the consequences have been meted out.
Relationships in Torah, including the Covenant itself, are contractual. Party A promises to do X, and Party B promises to do Y in return, and there are consequences if either party fails to hold up their end of the bargain. In any contract, the failure to do one’s part in it gives the other party or parties the option to end the contract. Forgiveness is choosing to continue the contract after the prescribed consequences have been carried out. With the Covenant, the eternal nature of it is Hashem’s promise never to void the contract with us. That means negative consequences will always follow the nation’s misbehavior.
In our personal lives, whether to continue a relationship that has been violated falls to the judgment of the person who has been wronged. Scripture can help guide us in making those decisions, but the person who was wronged is not obligated to forgive, and forgiveness is never a free pass.
Silver Trumpets 